Religion
A gentleman had been trying for years to meet the Pope. Finally, his wish was
granted. When the gentleman approached the Pope he said, "Your Eminence, I am so
happy to be given this chance to
speak with you and I would like to tell you a joke before I start."
The Pope replied, "Of course my son. Go ahead and tell your joke."
The gentleman continued, "There were these two Pollacks and..."
The Pope interrupted, "My son, do you realize that I am Polish?"
"I'm sorry, your Eminence, I'll speak slower."
A Jewish man moves into a Catholic neighborhood. Every Friday the Catholics go
crazy because, while they're morosely eating fish, the Jewish man is outside barbecuing
steaks. So the Catholics work on the Jewish man to convert him.
Finally, by threats and pleading, the Catholics succeed. They take the Jewish man to a
priest who sprinkles holy water on the Jewish man and intones: ....."Born a Jew
......Raised a Jew ......Now a Catholic."
The Catholics are ecstatic. No more delicious, but maddening smells every Friday evening.
But the next Friday evening, the scent of barbecue wafts through the neighborhood. The
Catholics all rush to
the (former) Jewishs man's house to remind him of his new diet. They see him standing over
the cooking steak. He is sprinkling water on the meat and saying: ....."Born a cow
......Raised a cow ......Now a fish."
A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's, one of the largest department
store chains. He shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said. "I'd like
to buy a bra for my wife"
"What type of bra?" asked the clerk.
"Type?" inquires the man "There is more than one type?"
"Look Around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape,
size ,color and material.
"Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only three types of
bras," replied the salesclerk.
Confused, the man asked what were the types.
The saleslady replied "The Catholic type, the, Salvation Army type, and the Baptist
type. Which one do you need?"
Still confused the man asked "What is the difference between them?"
The lady responded "It is all really quite simple. The Catholic type supports the
masses, The Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen, and the Baptist type makes mountains
out of mole hills.
First came the Presbyterian and his wife. St. Peter shook his head sadly.
"I can't let you in. You loved money too much. You loved it so much, you even married a woman named Penny."
Then came the Methodist. "Sorry, can't let you in, either. You loved food too much. You loved to eat so much, you even married a woman named Candy!"
The Baptist turned to his wife and whispered nervously, "It doesn't look good, Fanny."
Sister Catherine was asking all the Catholic school children in fourth grade what they want to be when they grow up.
Little Sheila said, "When I grow up, I want to be a prostitute!"
Sister Catherine's eyes grow wide and she barked, "What did you say?!"
"A prostitute!" Sheila exclaimed.
Sister Catherine breathed a sight of relief and said "Whew! Thank God! For a moment, I thought you said 'A Protestant'!"
After years of his wife's pleading, this rich good ole boy finally goes with her
to her little local Church on Sunday morning. He was so moved by the preacher's sermon
that on the way out he stopped to shake his hand. He said, "Reverend, that was the
best damn sermon I ever did hear!"
The Preacher replied, "Oh!! Why, thank you sir, but please, I'd appreciate it if you
didn't use profanity in the Lord's house."
The man said, "I'm sorry Reverend, but I can't help myself, it was such a damn good
sermon!"
The Reverend said, "Sir, PLEASE, I cannot have you behaving this way in Church!"
The man said, "Okay Reverend, but I just wanted you to know that I thought it was so
damn good, I put $5000 in that there collection plate."
And the Reverend said, "NO SHIT?"
Q. How many Charismatics does it take to change a light bulb?
A. One to change the bulb and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness.
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Q. How many Calvinists does it take to change a light bulb?
A. None. God has predestined when the light will be on. Besides, Calvinists don't change
light bulbs. They simply read the instructions and pray the light bulb will be one that
has been chosen to be changed.
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Q. How many Baptists does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Change?
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Q. How many TV evangelists does it take to change a light bulb?
A. One. But for the message of light to continue, send in your donation today.
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Q. How many fundamentalists does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Only one, because any more might result in too much cooperation.
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Q. How many liberals does it take to change a light bulb?
A. At least ten, as they need to hold a debate on whether or not the light bulb exists.
Even if they can agree upon the existence of the light bulb, they still might not change
it, to keep from alienating those who might use other forms of light.
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Q. How many members of an established 20-year old church does it take to change a light
bulb?
A. One to actually change the bulb, and nine to say how much they really liked the old one
better.
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Q. How many United Methodists does it take to change a light bulb?
A. This statement was issued: "We choose not to make a statement either in favor of
or against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey you have found that
a light bulb works for you, that is fine. You are invited to write a poem or compose a
modern dance about your personal relationship with your light bulb (or light source, or
non-dark resource), and present it next month at our annual light bulb Sunday service, in
which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent,
fluorescent, three-way, long-life, and tinted--all of which are equally valid paths to
luminescence.
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Q. How many youth pastors does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Trick Question. Youth pastors aren't around long enough for a light bulb to burn out.
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Q. How many Southern Baptists does it take to change a light bulb?
A. One Hundred and Nine -- 7 on the Light Bulb Task Force Sub- committee, who report to
the 12 on the Light Bulb Task Force, appointed by the 15 on the Trustee Board. Their
recommendation is reviewed by the Finance Executive Committee of 5, who place it on the
agenda of the 18 member Finance Committee. If they approve, they bring a motion to the 27
member church Board, who appoint another 12 member review committee. If they recommend
that the Church Board proceed, a resolution is brought to the Congregational Business
Meeting. They appoint another 8 member review committee. If their report to the next
Congregational Business Meeting supports the changing of a light bulb, and the
Congregation votes in favor, the responsibility to carry out the light bulb change is
passed on to the Trustee Board, who in turn appoint a 7 member committee to find the best
price in new light bulbs. Their recommendation of which hardware has the best buy must
then be reviewed by the 23 member Ethics Committee to make certain that this hardware
store has no connection to Disneyland.
They report back to the Trustee Board who, then commissions the Trustee in charge of the
Janitor to ask him to make the change. By then the janitor discovers that one more light
bulb has burned out.
A Jew, a Christian and a Muslim were having a discussion about who was the
most religious.
"I was riding my camel in the middle of the Sahara," exclaimed the
Muslim.
"Suddenly a fierce sandstorm appeared from nowhere. I truly thought my end
had come as I lay next to my camel while we being buried deeper and deeper
under the sand. But I did not lose my faith in the Almighty Allah, I prayed
and prayed and suddenly, for a hundred meters all around me, the storm had
stopped. Since that day I am a devout Muslim and am now learning to recite
the Koran by memory."
"One day while fishing," started the Christian, "I was in my little
dinghy
in the middle of the ocean. Suddenly a fierce storm appeared from nowhere.
I truly thought my end had come as my little dinghy was tossed up and down
in the rough ocean. But I did not lose my faith in Jesus Christ, I prayed
and prayed and suddenly, for 300 meters all around me, the storm had
stopped. Since that day I am a devout Christian and am now teaching oung
children about Him."
"One day I was walking down the road," explained the Jew, "I was in
my most
expensive designer outfit in the middle of New York City. Suddenly I saw a
black bag on the ground in front of me appear from nowhere. I put my hand
inside and found a million dollars in cash. I truly thought my end had come
as it was a Saturday and we are not allowed to handle money on Saturdays.
But I did not lose my faith in Jehovah, I prayed and prayed and suddenly,
for 500 meters all around me, it was Tuesday!"
Q: What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife?
A: A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry.
My grandmother, who lived in Tucson, was well known for her faith and lack
of reticence in talking about it. She would go out on the front porch and
say, "Praise the Lord!"
Her next door neighbor would shout back, "There ain't no Lord!"
During those days, my grandmother was very poor, so the neighbor decided to
prove his point by buying a large bag of groceries and placing it at her
door.
The next morning, Grandmother went to the porch and, seeing the groceries,
said, "Praise the Lord!"
The neighbor stepped out from behind a tree and said, "I brought those
groceries, and there ain't no Lord."
Grandmother replied, "Lord, you not only sent me food but you made the
devil pay for it."
The Pope and his Arch-Bishop are sitting in the Vatican, The Pope is working on
a crossword puzzle, when he turns to the Arch-Bishop and asks, "I have a four
letter word with the letters U-N-T at the end, and it relates to a woman."
The Arch-Bishop replies, "that is easy, it has to be an AUNT."
The Pope blushes and says, "Ooops, do you have an eraser?"