You Might Be A Redneck if...
(With all respect and apologies to Jeff Foxworthy, who started all this business in
the first place.)
Although many disagree about the finer points of what makes someone a redneck, it's
usually pretty easy to spot one IF you know what to look for. Here's a spotter's
guide for our impaired friends to the north.
The halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your spouse.
You let your twelve year old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids
You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws
You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.
You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
Anyone in your family ever died right after saying, "Hey, y'all, Watch this!"
Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan
Your Junior prom had a daycare.
You think the last words to the Star Spangled Banner are, "Gentlemen, start your
engines!"
You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels
You had to remove a toothpick for your wedding pictures.
The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much gas is in it.
You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge.
One of your kids was born on a pool table
You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos
You have flowers planted in a bathroom fixture in your front yard.
You can't get married to yer sweetheart 'cause there's a law against it.
You dated one of your parent's current spouses in high school.
You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
You think Genitalia is an Italian airline.
Last year you hid Easter eggs under cow pies.
Jack Daniels makes your list of "Most Admired People."
Your whole family is Republican except little Mary. She got to readin'.
You've got more than one brother named 'Darryl'.
You think that Dom Perignon is a mafia leader.
You go to your family reunion looking for a date.
You take a six-pack cooler to church.
The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your wife.
You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge.
One of your kids was born on a pool table.
You have flowers planted in a bathroom fixture in your front yard.
Your school fight song is "Dueling Banjos".
Your father executes the "pull my finger" trick during Christmas dinner.
Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.
The Salvation Army declines your mattress.
You were shooting pool when any of your children were born.
Your school fight song was "Dueling Banjos."
Your wife has ever said, "Come move this transmission so I can take a
bath."
You've ever given rat traps as gifts.
You clean your fingernails with a stick.
You've ever hit a deer with your car, deliberately.
Your mother has "ammo" on her Christmas list.
You keep a can of RAID on your kitchen table.
You've totaled every car you've ever owned.
There has ever been crime-scene tape on your bathroom door.
You ever got too drunk to fish.
You consider the fifth grade your senior year.
Directions to your house include, "Turn off the paved road."
The dog can't watch you eat without gagging.
Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
You prefer car keys to Q-Tips.
You've ever financed a tattoo.
The gas pedal in your car is shaped like a bare foot.
You've ever bought a used hat.
You've ever been involved in a custody fight over a dog.
You're considered an expert on worm beds.
Your stove is on the porch and your lawn chairs are in the kitchen.
"Bambi" made you hungry for rabbit.
You learned to drive in a monster truck.
Your wedding reception included a beer brunch.
You believe all-star wrestling should be an Olympic competition.
You believe all-star wrestling.
You recycle motor oil by moving it from the car to the truck.
Now, some of our friends down here have moved from up
North. The transition takes a while, so here are a few tips to ease the inevitable
difficulties encountered whenever two widely disparate cultures clash.
1) Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later how to use it.
2) Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not mean we can. Stay home the two
days of the year it snows.
3) Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store.
4) Do not buy food at the movie store.
5) Remember: "Y'all" is singular. "All y'all" is plural. "All
y'all's" is plural possessive.
6) There is nothing sillier than a Northerner imitating a southern accent, unless
it is a Southerner imitating a Boston accent.
7) Get used to hearing, "You ain't from around here, are you?"
8) People walk slower here. Get used to it.
9) Don't be worried that you don't understand anyone. They don't understand you either.
10) The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary
is the adjective "Big ol'", as in "big ol' truck" or "big ol'
boy". Eighty-five percent begin their new southern influenced dialect with this
expression. One hundred percent are in denial about it.
11) The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.
12) If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this!" stay out of
his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say.
13) Most Southerners do not use turn signals, and they ignore those who do. In fact, if
you see a signal blinking on a car with a southern license plate, you may rest assured
that it was on when the car was purchased.
14) The winter wardrobe you always brought out in September can wait until November.
15) If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the most minuscule
accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It does not
matter if you need anything from the store, it is just something you're supposed to do.
16) Satellite dishes are very popular in the South. When you purchase one it is to be
positioned directly in front of your trailer. This is logical bearing in mind that the
dish cost considerably more than the trailer and should, therefore, be displayed.
17) If you are upset by the person driving 15 mph in a 55 mph zone, directly in the
middle of the road, remember, many folks learned to drive on a model of vehicle known as
John Deere, and this is the proper speed and lane position for the vehicle.
18) You can ask a Southerner for directions, but unless you already know the
positions of key hills, trees and rocks, you're better off trying to find it yourself.
19) Your Dairy Queen waitress isn't cyanotic, that really IS
frosted blue lip gloss she's wearing.
Everything Southern has its spiritual Yankee counterpart. Here's
how to tell which is which:
The North has sun-dried too-mah-toes..... The South has 'mater
samiches
The North has coffeehouses .....The South has Waffle Houses
The North has Mom .....The South has Mama
The North has dating services .....The South has family reunions
The North has switchblade knives .....The South has Lee press-on nails
The North has saving the whales..... The South has getting saved
The North has double last names .....The South has double first names
The North has sensational tabloids..... The South has neighbors
The North has Ted Kennedy .....The South has Jesse Helms
The North has the Mafia..... The South has NASCAR
And Now, A rebuttal:
YOU JUST MIGHT BE A YANKEE IF:
1. You think barbecue is a verb meaning "to cook outside."
2. You think Heinz Ketchup is really SPICY!
3. You don't have any problems pronouncing "Worcestershire sauce"
correctly.
4. For breakfast, you would prefer potatoes au gratin to grits.
5. You don't know what a moon pie is.
6. You've never had an RC cola.
7. You've never, ever, eaten okra, fried or boiled.
8. You eat fried chicken with a knife and fork.
9. You've never seen a live chicken, and the only cows you've
seen are on road trips.
10.You have no idea what a polecat is.
11.You don't see anything wrong with putting a sweater on a
poodle.
12.You don't have bangs.
13.You would rather vacation at Martha's Vineyard than Six
Flags.
14.More than two generations of your family have been kicked out
of the same prep school in Connecticut.
15.You would rather have your son become a lawyer than grow up to
get his own TV fishing show.
16.Instead of referring to two or more people as "y'all," you
call them "you guys," even if both of them are women.
17.You don't think Ted Kennedy has an accent.
18.You have never planned your summer vacation around a
gun-n-knife show.
19.You think more money should go to important scientific
research at your university than to pay the salary of the
head football coach.
20.You don't have at least one can of WD-40 somewhere
around the house.
21.The last time you smiled was when you prevented someone
from getting on an on-ramp to the highway.
22.You don't have any hats in your closet that advertise feed
stores.
23.The farthest south you've ever been is the perfume counter at
Neiman Marcus.
24.You call binoculars opera glasses.
25.You can't spit out the car window without pulling over to the
side of the road and stopping.
26.You would never wear pink or an applique sweatshirt.
27.You don't know what applique is.
28.You don't know anyone with at least two first names
(i.e., Joe Bob, Faye Ellen, Billy Ray, Mary Jo, Bubba Dean,
Joe Dan, Mary Alice, et al).
29.You don't have doilies, and you certainly don't know how to
make one.
30.You've never been to a craft show.
31.You get freaked out when people on the subway talk to you.
32.You can do your laundry without quarters.
33.None of your fur coats are homemade.
Good luck, God bless, and
may the force be with you.
If you have any
"Southernisms" you'd like to share we'd love to hear from you!
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