Politics

To prove my assertion that reality is oftentimes funnier than fiction, here are a list of Dan Quayle quotes to start us off:

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."
-- J. Danforth Quayle

"Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and
child."
-- Vice President Dan Quayle

"Welcome to President Bush, Mrs. Bush, and my fellow astronauts."
-- Vice President Dan Quayle

"Mars is essentially in the same orbit... Mars is somewhat the same
distance from the Sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures
where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that
means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe."
-- Vice President Dan Quayle, 8/11/89

"What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind is being
very wasteful. How true that is."
-- Vice President Dan Quayle

"The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history. I mean in
this century's history. But we all lived in this century. I didn't live
in this century."
-- Vice President Dan Quayle, 9/15/88

"I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and
democracy - but that could change."
-- Vice President Dan Quayle, 5/22/89

"One word sums up probably the responsibility of any vice president, and
that one word is 'to be prepared'."
-- Vice President Dan Quayle, 12/6/89

"May our nation continue to be the beakon of hope to the world."
-- The Quayles' 1989 Christmas card.

"Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things."
Vice President Dan Quayle, 11/30/88

Jerry Falwell was seated next to President Clinton on a recent flight.
After the plane was airborne, the flight attendant came around for drink
orders.

The President asked for a whiskey & soda, which was brought and placed
before him. The attendant then asked the minister if he would also like a
drink.

The minister replied in disgust, "Ma'am, I'd rather be savagely raped by a
brazen whore than let liquor touch these lips!"

The President then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "I'm
sorry, I didn't know there was a choice. I'll have the same thing he's
having".

As the President is getting off the helicopter in front of the
White House, he has a baby pig under each arm. The Marine
guard snaps to attention, salutes, and says: "Nice pigs, sir."

The President replies: "These are not pigs, these are authentic
Arkansas Razorback Hogs. I got one for Hillary, and I got one for
Chelsea."

The Marine again snaps to attention, salutes, and replies,
"Nice trade, sir"

Future historians will be able to study at the Gerald Ford Library; the
James Carter Library; the Ronald Reagan Library and the Bill Clinton Adult
Bookstore.

THE POLITICAL PARTY ANIMAL

A salesman was traveling between towns and got a flat tire in the middle of
nowhere.

Checking the spare, he found that it was flat, too. His only option was to flag
down a passing motorist and get a ride to the nearest town.

The first vehicle to stop was an old man in a pickup truck.

He yelled out the window to the salesman, "Need a lift?"

"Yes, I do," replied the salesman.

"Are you a Democrat or Republican?" asked the old man.

"A Republican," replied the salesman.

"Get screwed!" yelled the old man as he sped off.

The next to stop rolled down the window and asked the same question, to which
the salesman gave the same answer, "Republican."

The driver gave him the finger and drove off.

The salesman thought it over, and decided that maybe he should change his
approach, since there appeared to be few Republicans in this area.

The next car to stop was a red convertible driven by a beautiful blonde. She
smiled seductively and asked him if he were a Democrat or Republican.

"Democrat!" shouted the salesman.

"Hop in!" replied the blonde.

Driving down the road, he can't help but stare at the gorgeous woman in the seat
next to him. The wind blowing through her hair, perfectly heaving breasts,
nipples pushing the fabric just so, and a short skirt that continues to ride
higher and higher up her thighs, revealing that she wore no underwear.

Finally, he yells "STOP THE CAR! STOP THE CAR!"

She slams on the brakes, and, as soon as the car stops, he jumps out.

"What's the matter?" she asks.

"I can't take it!" he replies. "I've only been a Democrat for five minutes and
already I want to fuck the brains out of a woman I've only just met!"

What do you get when you cross a corrupt politician with a
corrupt lawyer?

Chelsea.

Why do politicians envy ventriloquists?
Because they can lie without moving their lips.

Six Presidents on a sinking boat

Ford says: "What do we do?????"
Bush says: "Man the lifeboats!"
Reagan says: "What lifeboats????"
Carter says: "Women first!"
Nixon says: "Screw the women!"
Clinton says: "You think we have time?"

Hi, Mr. and Mrs. Clinton. Welcome to EZBreeZee Mortgages. I'm
Alan Greenspan. No, no relation sorry to say. May I call you Bill
and Hillary? Fine then, first lady Hillary Rodham Clinton and Bill it
is.

So you want to buy the old Rye Brook place, four-something acres
as I recall. That's 2.2 million, and with the customary 20 percent
down--that's $440,000--leaving a mortgage of $1,760,000. No
problem. We do those kinds of deals all the time. Now let's have a
look at your financial statements.

Let's see, Mr. Clinton, you are the president of the United States, of
course, and you salary is--oh, dear--$200,000 a year. We
recommend buying a house that costs no more than two and a half
times your annual salary. That means you should be looking for
something around $500,000, perhaps a nice brick rancher on a
quarter of an acre, not too fancy a neighborhood?

And I see here that you'll be out of a job in 16 months or so. What
will you do then? Open a library. In Little Rock. Arkansas. Wow. I
bet that will be some kind of moneymaker.

Mrs. Clinton, you're running for Senate, right? Senators are paid
$130,000 a year--assuming, of course, she's elected--so even with
your pension you're still looking at a house in the $825,000 range.
Maybe a nice center hall colonial where the schools aren't so good.

Mrs. Clinton, you haven't worked outside the house since 1991,
correct? But you did some volunteer work, I see. You came up with
a plan to overhaul the entire national health care system? I see. It
flopped, in other words.

But I see you had several business ventures back in Arkansas.
How about this Whitewater Development Corp.? It went bankrupt.
And Madison Guaranty? Bankrupt. And Castle Grande?
Bankrupt, too. If you had gone to Yale business school instead of
Yale law, you could probably get your money back Don't get upset.
It was just a little joke.

A little bad luck with the law, too, I see. Three of your business
partners went to jail. Maybe you could get your money back.

This is embarrassing, I know, but we have to ask because it does,
after all, affect your ability to pay: Any problems in your marriage?
No? Fine.

Let's look at your assets: $1.5 million. Not bad. Yes, yes, Mr.
Clinton, we're not forgetting your Mustang back in Little Rock. But--
oh!--those liabilities. You owe $5.5 million. That means you're $4
million in the hole. How do you expect to pay that off? You're
hoping people will donate to a special fund? So basically you're
relying on the charity of strangers.

You also have some serious expenses. A kid at Stanford has got
to be setting you back $30,000 to $35,000 a year, probably more
with the air fares. And she wants to go to medical school? Ouch!

And Mr. Clinton, there's a little matter of a $90,000 fine for lying in
court. I guess that rules out putting your law degree to work. Say,
how do we know you're not lying on you loan application? Good
point. It would look a lot better if you were lying. Are there any other
legal matters we should know about?

You say you're in the clear, Mr. Clinton, and the first lady is pretty
much in the clear indictment- wise. What does that mean? You
don't think--don't think--she's going to get hit with a perjury or
obstruction of justice rap. But we're not totally sure, right? That
means there's a remote possibility --note that I say "remote"--that
you could be trying to pay off a $1.76 million mortgage while
making 12 cents an hour stitching mailbags for the feds, and he is
trying to make a go of a library in Little Rock.

Let's review the situation. One of you is now unemployed and the
other one soon will be. You have these whopping great debts that
you're hoping someone is going to come along and pay. You have
a financial history that can only be described as "checkered", plus a
bunch of serious financial demands and ongoing legal problems.
Your tangible assets seem to consist of an old Ford.

So, Congratulations! Welcome to the EZBreeZee family of
homeowners! You've got your mortgage!

Isn't that what happened when you applied for your mortgage?
Don't all mortgage companies operate that way ???

Maybe you just got the wrong one.....

Bill Clinton dies and is on his way to Hell. At Hell's gates he meets Judgment. Judgment
tells Clinton that Hell is full, but that Clinton will be replacing one of the current
inhabitants. Clinton will be given the choice of who he will replace forever in Hell.

Three doors appear before Clinton. The first door opens. Behind it is Newt Gingrich.
He's being forced to pound big rocks into little rocks. Upon seeing Newt in this
predicament, Clinton cringes and says, "That looks painful. I don't think this is for me!"

The second door opens. Behind it is Ted Kennedy. He is bobbing for automobile parts in a large
pool of dirty water. Grimacing at the filthy scene, Clinton says, "I don't think so."

The third door opens and behind it is Ken Starr. He's naked and bound hand and foot. Kneeling
before him is Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.

"I can handle that!"Clinton proclaims enthusiastically.

"Very well," says Judgment. "Monica, you may go."